Thanks to BobfromAccounting for this (I am still LOL)
John Kerry
Vital Stats
Name: John Kerry
Occupation: U.S. Senator, trophy husband
Nickname(s): "The Waffler"; "Lieutenant Douchebag"; "Teresa Heinz's beard"; "Michael Moore's beard"
Hobbies: Windsurfing, skiing, hunting, swearing at reporters when they laugh at him windsurfing skiing and hunting
Election Platform: Unsure
Pros: Good hair, 3 Purple Hearts, owns groovy beach pad
Cons: Known for being arrogant and aloof, Viet Nam era Speedo no longer fashionable on Nantucket beach
Role Models: John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Major Frank Burns
Favorite Expression(s): "I'm not just a Viet Nam war hero, I am also tall."
His enemies say: "He once threw his war medals over the fence of the Capital Building and it turns out they weren't even his."
His friends say: "he throws like a girl"
Recent Quote: "I didn't marry my wife for her money. I married her for her first husband's money."
I wish: "that one day America will again gain the respect of the world by finally joining the European Union."
